BLACK EYE PLEASE

dailycast

Oh, Elon Musk. The genius, the visionary, the guy who definitely didn’t just buy Twitter to win arguments with teenagers. But now, the world’s richest man has a brand-new accessory: a shiner so fresh it could’ve been delivered by Tesla Autopilot (but let’s be real, that system would’ve missed).

The internet is buzzing—who gave Elon Musk a black eye? Was it:

  • A furious Tesla stockholder who watched their life savings evaporate faster than a Cybertruck’s resale value?
  • One of his ex-wives finally cashing in on that “punchable face” clause in the prenup?
  • A former Twitter employee who was fired via tweet and decided to say goodbye with knuckles?
  • A Trump staffer who realized even they have standards?
  • Mark Zuckerberg, settling their cage match the old-fashioned way—by sucker-punching him during a Mars brainstorming session?

The possibilities are endless! Elon has spent years cultivating a Rolodex of people who’d love to give him the People’s Eyebrow (and the People’s Fist). He’s alienated workers, investors, partners, and basic human decency with the enthusiasm of a guy who thinks “free speech” means “pay $8 to call someone a pedo.”

But let’s be honest—the real mystery isn’t who gave him the black eye. It’s why it took this long.

Maybe this is the wake-up call Elon needs. Or maybe it’s just the first punch in a long line of karma’s greatest hits. Either way, to the mystery assailant: Thank you for your service. The world salutes you.

And to Elon? Ice that eye, buddy. Something tells me you’ve got more coming.