BLACK EYE PLEASE
Oh, Elon Musk. The genius, the visionary, the guy who definitely didn’t just buy Twitter to win arguments with teenagers. But now, the world’s richest man has a brand-new accessory: a shiner so fresh it could’ve been delivered by Tesla Autopilot (but let’s be real, that system would’ve missed).
The internet is buzzing—who gave Elon Musk a black eye? Was it:
- A furious Tesla stockholder who watched their life savings evaporate faster than a Cybertruck’s resale value?
- One of his ex-wives finally cashing in on that “punchable face” clause in the prenup?
- A former Twitter employee who was fired via tweet and decided to say goodbye with knuckles?
- A Trump staffer who realized even they have standards?
- Mark Zuckerberg, settling their cage match the old-fashioned way—by sucker-punching him during a Mars brainstorming session?
The possibilities are endless! Elon has spent years cultivating a Rolodex of people who’d love to give him the People’s Eyebrow (and the People’s Fist). He’s alienated workers, investors, partners, and basic human decency with the enthusiasm of a guy who thinks “free speech” means “pay $8 to call someone a pedo.”
But let’s be honest—the real mystery isn’t who gave him the black eye. It’s why it took this long.
Maybe this is the wake-up call Elon needs. Or maybe it’s just the first punch in a long line of karma’s greatest hits. Either way, to the mystery assailant: Thank you for your service. The world salutes you.
And to Elon? Ice that eye, buddy. Something tells me you’ve got more coming.
